the thing about elephants

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

having a semi-autistic spectrum like memory has its benefits. i can quote movies line for line. i can remember facts from the 5th grade. i am the one phone call you would make when you're on "who wants to be a millionaire." chances are if i've seen it, read it, or heard it in passing, i will remember. just one of my special quirks i guess.

the downside, of course is, i also happen to remember EVERY SINGLE TIME husband has wronged me.  it's actually impossible for me to forget and so what we have now is a snow ball effect. one small hurt remembered forever. the next hurt added onto that, and then the next and then the next, and before you know it, i'm up late at night stewing about bad patterns of behavior and how it could be i ended up with such an insensitive brute. by this time, my stomach hurts, and it's two a.m. and i can't sleep, meanwhile husband is blissfully snoring next to me. which only makes matters worse! how did i end up here - about ready to reach over for something sharp and stab my husband in the arm? (hey, at least i didn't say eye or heart)

for once an old addage is NOT applicable. remember this one?: "to err is human, to forgive is divine." well actually the first half is most certainly true. we all err, and if i'm being honest, i've erred against my husband plenty of times. but forgiveness is mostly human too. it doesn't take too much effort for us mere mortals to forgive, especially to forgive someone we love dearly. maybe it takes some of us longer to forgive, but eventually we i get there. what is truly divine is forgiving and forgetting.

it's this forgetting thing i struggle with. each time there's a new hurt, memories of all the old hurts return and suddenly they are so fresh. this morning, i waged a fierce internal battle with the LJ (Lord Jesus). it went like this:

Grace: LJ, i'm just upset and hurt and i can't let go. he ALWAYS does this.
LJ: I'm here. I'm listening.
Grace: are you?! are you really listening? because i am considering a host of repercussions {conveniently ommitted from this blog so you, my dear readers, are shielded from the depths of my evil nature}
LJ: Grace, you have a choice. move on, forgive and forget.
Grace: but LJ, i can't forget. i can't. i thought You said You were listening? didn't You hear me say, I CAN'T LET GO??
LJ: grace, you need to calm down. I'm here, I'm listening. you are working yourself up into a tizzy. I can feel your stomach burning.
Grace: but i can't. i'm just too hurt.
LJ: grace, remember, I have forgiven and forgotten all your sins. how would you feel if I remembered each time you failed, each time you made a mistake, each time you hurt Me?
Grace: really LJ? You went there? i mean, what can i say to that? clearly You have a valid point. but i can't. help me get there. i'm not like You.
LJ: yes you are. you have My life in you. My life is able to forgive and forget.
Grace: ok, let's say we do this forgive, forget thing. then what happens? he'll just do it again. trust me Lord, i know him. then we'll be having this conversation AGAIN.
LJ: I know him too. and I know you. I have forgiven and forgotten for you both. and I'm ok if and when we have this conversation again.
Grace: fine LJ, You win - sort of. i won't poison his dinner tonight, but You have to keep working in me to achieve this forgive and forget thing.

i'm still not there yet. but there's some thawing of the ice that formed around my heart.

the upside of restlessness at two a.m., i finally started watching downton abbey. honestly, i couldn't even get through episode one of the first season. i couldn't follow the conversation. it would be easier if they lost the british accent. (and this is coming from me. i have a thing for british accents! if husband had one, i'm sure it would help with the forgive and forget thing). thoughts? should i power through and keep watching??

3 comments:

  1. YES! POWER THROUGH! downton abbey is the GREATEST!
    also, loved this post. i can totally relate. maybe all women can?

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    1. B. i've powered through. only have Season 2 finale to catch up on. omg. here's the question to you and Les, am i really mary crawley?

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