the nanny diaries

today, alexander met his nanny, we call her miss lulu. she came a week before i go back into the office so that we could sort of play a game of shadows. she shadowed me to see how i like things done, and what schedule we keep him on, and i shadowed her, like one of those nanny cams, but only super visible. to be honest, it was sort of lovely. i had the chance to run out to the bank, and only had to grab my wallet. when was the last time i did that? and i was able to put dinner together without but one nursing interruption. but at the end of the night, long after nanny lulu left, long after husband and i put alexander down for bed, it hit me, i hardly spent time with my baby today. and it ached a little. husband says, "well babe, you won't be spending time with alexander when you're in the office." husband had to go all logically cruel and rational on me. i just looked at him with my, "ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY?!?!?!" look - yes, there is an actual look which i have perfected. 

so now, while husband sits at the kitchen counter, playing a game on his phone, i've been perusing pictures of alexander from the day he was born. apparently, husband is not trying to make me cry; turns out, I AM TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF CRY. but seriously, is it possible that my baby was ever this small? 

the twist is, i never thought i would like motherhood, much less love it. i honestly viewed it more as an inconvenience. and i never thought i would want to be a stay at home mom, but now i want to be one of those women that i use to pity. now, i would give anything to be that woman whose universe orbits around her baby. so tomorrow, i am going to snuggle him a little bit more, kiss on him a few extra kisses, and maybe hold him through one of his naps, babywise be damned. cause my days are numbered. 

remember....?

what's that thing called? the thing that comes between friday and monday? what is it again? oh yeah, a weekend? remember that? and remember what we use to do on weekends? sleep in until the sun was setting? it is all a vague blurry memory now.

remember staying up past midnight?

remember having time to do laundry?

remember watching tv?

remember having time to make the bed? 

ok that last one never really happened even before mr. alexander came into our lives, but you get the picture. i had the luxury of time and freedom to make the bed if i had been disciplined enough to do it. 

now "weekends" consist of pretty much the same thing as the week. wake up, feed a baby, wipe his poopy butt, play with him, make silly noises and silly faces. wipe his butt. cross our fingers that we do not get pooped on. we don't sweat being pee'd on anymore. diaper that cute little butt, and try to put him down for a nap. all this before 7:30 a.m. if we start this ritual at 7:30 a.m., we have "slept in." and it is glorious! not having to get up on a saturday until 7:30! and even feeling well rested. 

i can't remember the last time we stayed up past midnight. once the little dictator goes down for the night, i start counting how many hours i have to sleep before having to wake up between four and five a.m. those four and a half hours of sleep go by way too quickly to squander on something as frivolous as staying up past midnight.

laundry?? what does having clean clothing feel like? now, we throw clothes in the wash. it ruminates for a few days, and when someone finally remembers to put them in the dryer, they need to be washed again. if we're lucky enough to get our own clothes in the dryer, then, out they come into a basket they go, where they live unhappily ever after - not fulfilling their wrinkle free destiny. but the dictator's clothes? they get washed, almost daily, and folded. 

tv...ah yes tv. i suspect the next time we watch our tv, it will be a machine that the smithsonian will ask to be donated for an exhibit. 

but honestly, i don't really miss my old life. i mean, really, for this face, i will pretty much do anything. wouldn't you???