how the mighty have fallen...

Tuesday, September 25, 2012 in love! so in love with this little baby! oh yeah people, you read that right! there's a baby cooking in there and things around casa carlson are about to get CRAZY! (or CRAZIER to be truthful and accurate).

there was a time, not so long ago when i simply did not want a baby. i wanted to be free, without limits, without a poopy, whiny, needy, utterly dependent human being, who had me at his or her every beck and call. no thank you! give me freedom, glorious freedom! freedom to travel the world with my love. freedom to come and go as i please. freedom to sleep in. freedom to get in the car without thirty plus travel accessories for a baby. freedom to go shoe shopping. freedom to come home from work, ignore my starving husband, and sit on the couch watching reality tv. real housewives and kettlecorn for dinner. does life get any better than this? and so years before husband and i got married, i flat out told him, i do not want children. i do not want limitation. and i do not want to share you (with anyone cuter than me!)

but then it hit, like a monster truck. i needed a child. in fact, genesis 30:1 may have been quoted to the husband after months of "not preventing" - when rachel said to jacob: "give me child or else i die!" and the need just got more and more desperate as each month progressed with a mostly regular visit from an unwanted visitor. and then we shifted gears from "not preventing" to "trying." let me tell you, the only thing less sexy than telling your husband he's a duck-billed platypus mid make out session, is bounding into the bedroom from the bathroom, positive ovulation test in hand, announcing, "babe, i'm ovulating. get naked." oh the brutal, unromantic, unsexy truth about planned baby-making. but still month after month went by, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test (good thing i ordered them in bulk online over a year ago!) and inner creeping accusations of infertility got louder and louder - or maybe that was me imagining momma chiang saying, "i told you to get pregnant earlier, have a baby earlier." and with each passing month, another friend would call or text with her own joyful news of pregnancy. so when, in july, a close friend told me she was pregnant with number two, when they weren't even trying, i completely lost it. it was my all time best elohi elohi moment.  that night, i lay in bed, and wept, as my husband could do nothing except put his arms around me and tell me - lie to me maybe? - that it was ok. and i summoned my remaining energy to whisper to my God, "Lord sometimes, i only want You for what You can give me. so please give me a baby."

but honestly, i had started to stop believing it was possible. i had started to stop believing in a baby  nathan adrien carlson. i had begun to resign myself to many many more months of a stressful sex life with continued negative pregnancy test results. in the process i learned, there are simply things outside of my control. all the best laid plans, all the scientific timing, and still i could not arrange my life into producing something i wanted. and although i could not quite let go of my desire for a baby, i realized, accepted a little bit, that i couldn't be in control of everything. i couldn't prevent every kind of trial and suffering. somethings just don't come so easily. sometimes, it is just hard. hard to go through and hard to accept.

and then five days later, i pulled my sad, pathetic, self-pitying body out of bed to face yet another day, when in the midst of brushing my teeth, i felt a sudden urge to vomit. and immediately genesis 30:22 came to me: "Then God remembered Rachel, and He listened to her and opened her womb."

i fumbled through my web supplied pregnancy tests and peed with a new sense of urgency and quite frankly, hall of fame worthy aiming skills, all the while trying to tell myself not to be disappointed. i had done this before, been here before. and when for five seconds there was no second line, oh the expected disappointment hit. alas another month. but then, that magical second line appeared and i couldn't believe it. i cried, this time, different tears. because finally, God remembered gracie.

if you look closely, you'll see, baby BOY carlson is due April 8, 2013!

on what NOT to say...

Thursday, September 20, 2012

when three good friends have agreed to bring a truck, and help your husband and you move a rather heavy, antique-y, upright piano, here is what not to say:

as your husband and one of your friends are trying to squeeze through the back door and down a step with the heavy piano, it is most certainly not the appropriate time to shout to your husband, "baby you are so sexy right now!" (good intentioned as it may have been for encouragement) because your friend will almost drop the piano laughing. lesson learned. next time shout, "baby, you and friend are both so sexy right now!" there problem solved!

and without further ado, here is my newest collector's item: (and the best part - it was free!!!)

oh the labor over labor day weekend

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

thanks to my nascar-like driving skills, the husband and i spent all weekend going from car dealership to car dealership. as it turns out, car shopping is not nearly as fun as clothes shopping. or shoe shopping for that matter.

armed with our limited budget in hand we traipsed up to maryland and back into virginia. and these car dealers just would not budge. generally, i think that car dealers need us more than we need them, except in this case, i happened to have wrecked our only car, so we had a little less bargaining power. but i guess the good thing about not having money is if they were not going to come down on their price, well we did not have much choice, but to walk away.

but we were undeterred. on sunday night, we found the perfect used car - at some point we decided we simply must have the subaru forester because we plan on going off-roading this winter in the snow and ice.  we searched high and low for certified pre-owned subaru foresters in our area. there are only four in the washington, dc metro area. so on sunday night, after a day of venturing out to maryland and coming home without a car, we were thrilled to find a subaru, pre-owned certified (the only way to go when buying used!) 2012 forester with only 756 miles on it for just a smidge over budget. we were pumped for monday to roll around so we could check this baby out. but honestly, we were pretty much ready to buy it, what with the warranty on a certified pre-owned, plus the low mileage and the fact it was practically new for much lower than what a new car would cost. who cared about amenities? if it was a stick shift, i would have learned to drive a stick shift for that price!! come monday morning, we were  excited, high-fiving each other down the 1, all the way in the boonies of alexandria, when we pulled up into the dealership to find out that it was closed on labor day!! can you believe it?!?! closed!!!! what car dealership in its right mind closes on labor day?? well too bad for them, because we needed a car, so we google mapped the next closest dealer and off we went. five and a half hours later, we drove off into the sunset with a brand new 2012 subaru forester. our first real grown up purchase - at least our first real one after which we had no regrets! and the cherry on top of it all, we got it in a manly black, because let's be honest, a subaru forester is barely a step above a station wagon, so we had to do what we could to man-ify it. and my new favorite thing about this forester? whenever a dinky car cuts me off, i like to scream, "i can monster truck you in this thing if you don't get out of my way!"

and because husband is a fabulous researcher, after we got home with our new car, he hopped on the computer to make sure we got a good deal. folks, we got the best deal in the entire area, lower by a significant amount than the next lowest price on a new premium subaru 2012 forester. oh yeah, we high-fived ourselves all the way into sweet dreams-ville that night.