late night conversation

Sunday, July 08, 2012

over the past few years, i've suffered from late night panic. i tend to go to bed earlier than the hubs. and at least once or twice a month, i will be fast asleep, laying in bed, r.e.m.-ing away, when husband stealthily enters the room, and i do mean stealthily. i will sit straight up in bed and scream bloody murder. SCREAM shrilly and repetitively. we're actually afraid that our neighbors will call the police on us. we're not sure why this happens. but it has happened with greater frequency and greater intensity over the past year. husband has pleaded with me to consider our home a "safe space." clearly that hasn't happened. so a few nights ago, my medical genius self struck (yet again) and i instructed husband: "google: screaming in the middle of the night." he went with, "waking in a panic." one thing led to another and soon we were having a discussion about sleep patterns and somehow we ended up with duck billed platypuses.

you want to know how we got there? for a few years, i had trouble falling asleep and trouble staying alseep through the night, until i discovered ambien. oh ambien. it's really a wonder drug - knocks me out completely until eight a.m. the thing is, i tend to have major hallucinations when i take this drug. so one fateful night, i took an ambien and climbed into bed, when husband made the moves. yeah you know what i mean. striking when i'm vulnerable. there we were, making out, when suddenly, i had to pull away. i looked at husband, well, more like peered at him, and flat out said, "you're a duck billed platypus!"  well you know how things ended that night. of the flattering sexy things you can say to your husband, "you're a duck billed platypus" is not among the top one thousand.

so the other night, i said to my hubs, "i'm going to frame a small picture of a duck billed platypus for my side of the bed." silence ensued until finally he replied, "well, you're a yellow jacket because you're mean and you sting me." [note, husband and i had a major fight the morning of july fourth]. not to be outdone, i laid there and thought for a minute and genius struck me again! "well, if i'm a yellow jacket, then you're an alligator, because all day, you look like a turd floating in the water and you don't do anything. you just sit there and float, until i poke and poke and poke and then finally you bite my head off." so there we were, the yellow jacket and the alligator laying in bed, all smug with our own wit and intellect. cue music, "can you feel the love tonight..." 



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