my matthew 27:46 solution to all serious problems

back during my law school years, i went through some hard times. you might even say i was depressed, except i'm asian so we like to be in denial about any mental "weakness". rather, let's attribute my suffering to a lack of character, as in, i just was not mentally strong enough to will myself out of bed each day and face another harrowing day of life as i knew it.  but basically i was depressed.  nothing was working out as i had imagined it would.  i felt alone, like i had been  abandoned in a deep well and all i could do was look up at the small dot of light so very far away.  things got so bad that big brother bankrolled a trip to barabados so i could get away and get some sun and feel alive.  so you know it was bad if big brother republican was willing to put me on his dole for the entire week!  and it worked for the week i was in barbados. but eventually i had to come back to real life.

i don't like talking about this time in my life because i feel like my super past self, as in the elementary school, high school, and college versions of me, as well as the today version of me look at the law school version of me and wonder who that person was. how did i become so drained, so exhausted of living that i actually despaired of living?

it was during this most despondent of times, or as the ever wise anne shirley would say, at the time when i was "in the depths of despair," that i really hated and yet loved the LJ. the thing is, i am a child of the Lord. i have no doubts about that, but i have had serious questions about what the LJ has ordained for me, and during this time, and still every now and then, i question the LJ's heart towards me. is it really good? because sometimes it genuinely and intensely felt like He had abandoned me in that well. i felt forsaken, left in the deep pit to survive by subsisting on grubs or simply give up and die. i think we all know me well enough to know that i went with option #2.

one night, during a particularly intense moment of grief, bewilderment, and sense of abandonment, when my increasingly fragile soul could bear no more, i laid in bed weeping. in retrospect, it really was kind of pathetic. luckily it was just me in all my glorious loneliness, emotionally naked before the Lord. as i was asking the LJ, why this, why that, before i even knew it, i found myself laid out in crucifix position, and a cry ripped out from deep within my crumbling soul: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani." because let's be honest, who hasn't felt completely forsaken at one time or another, or possibly constantly? because i have. and to this day, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani" in crucifix position is my tried and true way of conveying the depth of my trauma to the Lord. afterall, who can understand this sentiment more than He?

years later, it occurred to me that the LJ didn't abandon me to go through my suffering, my situations, my thoughts, my feelings alone. He was there with me, suffering with me, bearing the oppressive tides of confusion, fear, and sadness with me - each step of the way.  but still, when i am feeling especially needy, alone, forsaken, scared even, i turn to matthew 27:46, to sound the alarm for the LJ - "take your positions. it's gonna be a doozy. please don't forsake me."