how the mighty have fallen...

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

...so in love! so in love with this little baby! oh yeah people, you read that right! there's a baby cooking in there and things around casa carlson are about to get CRAZY! (or CRAZIER to be truthful and accurate).



there was a time, not so long ago when i simply did not want a baby. i wanted to be free, without limits, without a poopy, whiny, needy, utterly dependent human being, who had me at his or her every beck and call. no thank you! give me freedom, glorious freedom! freedom to travel the world with my love. freedom to come and go as i please. freedom to sleep in. freedom to get in the car without thirty plus travel accessories for a baby. freedom to go shoe shopping. freedom to come home from work, ignore my starving husband, and sit on the couch watching reality tv. real housewives and kettlecorn for dinner. does life get any better than this? and so years before husband and i got married, i flat out told him, i do not want children. i do not want limitation. and i do not want to share you (with anyone cuter than me!)

but then it hit, like a monster truck. i needed a child. in fact, genesis 30:1 may have been quoted to the husband after months of "not preventing" - when rachel said to jacob: "give me child or else i die!" and the need just got more and more desperate as each month progressed with a mostly regular visit from an unwanted visitor. and then we shifted gears from "not preventing" to "trying." let me tell you, the only thing less sexy than telling your husband he's a duck-billed platypus mid make out session, is bounding into the bedroom from the bathroom, positive ovulation test in hand, announcing, "babe, i'm ovulating. get naked." oh the brutal, unromantic, unsexy truth about planned baby-making. but still month after month went by, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test (good thing i ordered them in bulk online over a year ago!) and inner creeping accusations of infertility got louder and louder - or maybe that was me imagining momma chiang saying, "i told you to get pregnant earlier, have a baby earlier." and with each passing month, another friend would call or text with her own joyful news of pregnancy. so when, in july, a close friend told me she was pregnant with number two, when they weren't even trying, i completely lost it. it was my all time best elohi elohi moment.  that night, i lay in bed, and wept, as my husband could do nothing except put his arms around me and tell me - lie to me maybe? - that it was ok. and i summoned my remaining energy to whisper to my God, "Lord sometimes, i only want You for what You can give me. so please give me a baby."

but honestly, i had started to stop believing it was possible. i had started to stop believing in a baby  nathan adrien carlson. i had begun to resign myself to many many more months of a stressful sex life with continued negative pregnancy test results. in the process i learned, there are simply things outside of my control. all the best laid plans, all the scientific timing, and still i could not arrange my life into producing something i wanted. and although i could not quite let go of my desire for a baby, i realized, accepted a little bit, that i couldn't be in control of everything. i couldn't prevent every kind of trial and suffering. somethings just don't come so easily. sometimes, it is just hard. hard to go through and hard to accept.

and then five days later, i pulled my sad, pathetic, self-pitying body out of bed to face yet another day, when in the midst of brushing my teeth, i felt a sudden urge to vomit. and immediately genesis 30:22 came to me: "Then God remembered Rachel, and He listened to her and opened her womb."

i fumbled through my web supplied pregnancy tests and peed with a new sense of urgency and quite frankly, hall of fame worthy aiming skills, all the while trying to tell myself not to be disappointed. i had done this before, been here before. and when for five seconds there was no second line, oh the expected disappointment hit. alas another month. but then, that magical second line appeared and i couldn't believe it. i cried, this time, different tears. because finally, God remembered gracie.

if you look closely, you'll see, baby BOY carlson is due April 8, 2013!

15 comments:

  1. YAY! I jusr wrote something inappropriate and deleted it. Will fill you in later. So jealous you get to buy maternity clothes, they're so pretty!!!

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  2. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry you went through all those months. And I'm so happy for you now!!! Hope you're over the sick part. =D =D =D =D

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  3. Yay Gracie!! So happy for you guys! Slightly jealous at how super adorable you are going to be through all your phases of pregnancy. Congrats, love. You will be the most lovable tiger-mom :)

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  4. !!!!!!!!!!!! WOO !!!!!!!! you two are going to the BEST parents. this is wonderful! Asian Carlson babies galore! congratulations!

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  6. Ack. It's me (Esther Luckhardt) again. I don't know how to comment on blogs, so please excuse that last entry. Anyhow, congratulations to you and David! Praise and thank the Lord for His wonderful timing and for blessing you both with this precious gift. So happy for you both!

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  7. :) i remember all those times you'd say to me, "julz, i'm never having children." i'm so happy for you!!! cute pics. can't wait to see baby boy carlson...nathan, right?! when are you due?

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  8. :D i think im in love with your baby already :D

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  9. and it's a BOY! The little peanut's already quite adorable and will be well-loved. And apparently...well-endowed. Oops, did i say that? :O Twelve weeks is pretty early to find out gender, but maybe the LJ was being extra gracious to His Gracie. So thrilled for you both. Fa-fong auntie is coming to gobble you up come April! =)

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  10. Goodness, you filled my eyes with tears and made me laugh all at once! So happy for you! Much love! May the Lord take care of you and the baby all the way through. By the way, the one who will be jealous of the baby will be your hubby, because for a while there, he will be replaced, lol!

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  11. Goodness, you filled my eyes with tears and made me laugh all at once! So happy for you! Much love! May the Lord take care of you and the baby all the way through. By the way, the one who will be jealous of the baby will be your hubby, because for a while there, he will be replaced, lol!

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  12. I can relate which makes me extra so happy for you!!!! How long did you try before Nathan came along?

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  13. I can relate which makes me extra so happy for you!!!! How long did you try before Nathan came along?

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  14. I can relate which makes me extra so happy for you!!!! How long did you try before Nathan came along?

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    1. Cindy, it was close to a year. but it doesn't take an entire year for the anxiety and doubts to settle in. those kick in about 2-3 months after we started trying. but that could be b/c i'm neurotic. i'll tell you what david told me the entire time, "try to enjoy where you are right now." easier said than done. and by all means, feel free to lay out crucifix position and cry out to the LJ. it really helps!

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