the (not so) deep, dark secrets of new motherhood

whenever there is a sad face such as this, i catch myself, daily, as i make every silly attempt to turn that frown upside down, including cooing to alexander, making ridiculous faces at him, or massaging his belly to get his poops and gas out, thinking, i am overqualified for this gig. i have a law degree afterall! (forget the fact that i wasn't even using my law degree pre-ADC). and then i feel terribly, sickly guilty for thinking this, because the truth is, i am hardly qualified. it's much easier to worry about whether he has pooped today, how many times he has pooped and peed, and examining the color of his poop, than to really delve into and worry about my qualifications to be a mother. to be his mother.

as you all know or have come to know (hopefully/hopefully not), though i am not certifiably, in need of medication crazy, i am definitely vice mayor of crazy town. it's much scarier to think about all my shortcomings, all my flaws that i will inevitably pass on to my perfect baby. (side note, as one who use to think babies were annoying, needy, dispensers of disgusting bodily fluids, and social-life ruiners, trust me when i say that my baby is perfect. for instance, he has spit up exactly twice in his twelve weeks and two days of life. he has been sleeping through the night and goes down each night without a fight. not to brag or anything, but yes to brag. my baby is perfect). but in all seriousness, or more seriousness, because i was quite serious about my baby being perfect, it's terrifying to think that husband and i, all our imperfections, the obvious ones and the dark hidden ones, will be manifested in one way or another, on this mostly blank slate of a baby.

lately, when alexander gets frustrated, he has begun to exhibit a baby temper in reaction. he raises his left arm and slams it down in frustration. this usually happens when papa is playing with him when he is hungry. alexander is done with play time. he wants it to be eating time, and so he grunts in protestation and begins the aforementioned display of frustration and temper. it's sort of cute now, but having quite the vile temper myself, i can honestly say, this kind of temper, manifested out of frustration, looks, quite frankly, psychotic in an adult. and as much as i like to say, "oh he gets that from daddy," i am not fooling anyone - least of all myself.

so i return to my original point, it's much easier to worry about whether or not he is getting enough tummy time, and therefore whether or not he will ever have the strength to hold up his neck for a sustained period of time (and thus think, i am wasting my education!) than it is to come to grips with the truth: husband and i are grossly under-qualified to be parents. even though failure is not an option on project alexander, failure is most certainly around the corner. i know, when we meet failure face to face, i'm sure any day now, it will look eerily familiar, and, as if on cue, husband and i will turn, face each other and point - "he gets that from you!" we'll say in unison. and then we'll laugh, because that's how we do. but secretly, not so deep down inside, we'll both be terrified that he is, in fact, turning into one of us, if not both. the horror! seriously.

until that day, we take each moment, step-by-step, with so much joy, and so much trepidation, and by the grace of God, he won't turn into a serial killer. like how i set the bar real low? success = my son not being a serial killer (reference above point about being vice mayor of crazy town). but really, if only ted bundy's parents had had this small, but very appreciable aspiration.

the nanny diaries

today, alexander met his nanny, we call her miss lulu. she came a week before i go back into the office so that we could sort of play a game of shadows. she shadowed me to see how i like things done, and what schedule we keep him on, and i shadowed her, like one of those nanny cams, but only super visible. to be honest, it was sort of lovely. i had the chance to run out to the bank, and only had to grab my wallet. when was the last time i did that? and i was able to put dinner together without but one nursing interruption. but at the end of the night, long after nanny lulu left, long after husband and i put alexander down for bed, it hit me, i hardly spent time with my baby today. and it ached a little. husband says, "well babe, you won't be spending time with alexander when you're in the office." husband had to go all logically cruel and rational on me. i just looked at him with my, "ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY?!?!?!" look - yes, there is an actual look which i have perfected. 

so now, while husband sits at the kitchen counter, playing a game on his phone, i've been perusing pictures of alexander from the day he was born. apparently, husband is not trying to make me cry; turns out, I AM TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF CRY. but seriously, is it possible that my baby was ever this small? 

the twist is, i never thought i would like motherhood, much less love it. i honestly viewed it more as an inconvenience. and i never thought i would want to be a stay at home mom, but now i want to be one of those women that i use to pity. now, i would give anything to be that woman whose universe orbits around her baby. so tomorrow, i am going to snuggle him a little bit more, kiss on him a few extra kisses, and maybe hold him through one of his naps, babywise be damned. cause my days are numbered. 

early morning serenity and learning to be a mother

lately i have had trouble sleeping - a common side effect of being nine months pregnant. without fail, i wake up at four thirty a.m. to make yet another trip to the bathroom. and without fail, after i have resettled into bed, not without much effort and grimacing, blissful sleep always eludes me. in its place has crept dark anxieties concerning things over which i have no control.

what if i have to get a c-section? because i really do not want a c-section. what if something happens to me during labor? what if something happens to husband on his way to work? on his way home from work? what if something is wrong with baby? what if baby is born in distress with the umbilical cord choking him? what if he gets the worst personality traits of both me and husband? what if he eventually manifests autism? what if, what if, what if...

this morning, my mind was playing a particularly cruel game of "what if" with me when i remembered something from the very early days of my pregnancy. almost as soon as that pee stick indicated i was pregnant, i began to be fiercely protective of the life growing inside of me. while still sitting on the toilet, pregnancy test in hand, i remember thinking, "Lord, please do not let anything happen to my baby." a few nights later, i came upon Psalm 139 in my nightly Bible reading.

"For it was You who formed my inward parts; You wove me together in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am awesomely and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, And my soul knows it well.

My frame was not hidden from You When I was made in secret, Skillfully fashioned in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; And in Your book all of them were written: The days that were ordained for me, When not one of them was yet."

it occurred to me then, and i was reminded again during this anxiety filled morning, that my days, AND all my baby's days have already been ordained. when you actually stop to think about what this means, it is quite awe-inspiring. ALL of my baby's days have already been measured out and ordained.

The Lord reminded me this morning with that soft, familiar, loving voice "yes Grace, I have ordained all of your baby's days. All the good things and the not so good things. can you accept all that I have ordained for your child?"

it struck me then as it did today, that despite feeling intensely about my baby  - intense about preventing suffering, and intensely hoping only good things for him, there is One who is in control, who lovingly formed my son within me, One whose works are wonderful. so when these verses and words found me again, i found some early morning serenity and with a heavy, but genuine and trusting heart, prayed, "Lord grant me the grace to accept all that You have ordained, including the suffering, including the not so great things." and somehow, though all those "what ifs" still exist, and they could still happen, i was a little less anxious. not because suddenly trusting in the Lord will change any outcomes and bestow upon my son and my family a life without suffering, a life without pain, and a life without sorrow. but because the lives of this Carlson family - each one, has been measured and ordained by the very God of this universe. it is peaceful to know and accept that we are not in control (despite our best efforts at times).