early morning serenity and learning to be a mother

lately i have had trouble sleeping - a common side effect of being nine months pregnant. without fail, i wake up at four thirty a.m. to make yet another trip to the bathroom. and without fail, after i have resettled into bed, not without much effort and grimacing, blissful sleep always eludes me. in its place has crept dark anxieties concerning things over which i have no control.

what if i have to get a c-section? because i really do not want a c-section. what if something happens to me during labor? what if something happens to husband on his way to work? on his way home from work? what if something is wrong with baby? what if baby is born in distress with the umbilical cord choking him? what if he gets the worst personality traits of both me and husband? what if he eventually manifests autism? what if, what if, what if...

this morning, my mind was playing a particularly cruel game of "what if" with me when i remembered something from the very early days of my pregnancy. almost as soon as that pee stick indicated i was pregnant, i began to be fiercely protective of the life growing inside of me. while still sitting on the toilet, pregnancy test in hand, i remember thinking, "Lord, please do not let anything happen to my baby." a few nights later, i came upon Psalm 139 in my nightly Bible reading.

"For it was You who formed my inward parts; You wove me together in my mother's womb.

I will praise You, for I am awesomely and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, And my soul knows it well.

My frame was not hidden from You When I was made in secret, Skillfully fashioned in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; And in Your book all of them were written: The days that were ordained for me, When not one of them was yet."

it occurred to me then, and i was reminded again during this anxiety filled morning, that my days, AND all my baby's days have already been ordained. when you actually stop to think about what this means, it is quite awe-inspiring. ALL of my baby's days have already been measured out and ordained.

The Lord reminded me this morning with that soft, familiar, loving voice "yes Grace, I have ordained all of your baby's days. All the good things and the not so good things. can you accept all that I have ordained for your child?"

it struck me then as it did today, that despite feeling intensely about my baby  - intense about preventing suffering, and intensely hoping only good things for him, there is One who is in control, who lovingly formed my son within me, One whose works are wonderful. so when these verses and words found me again, i found some early morning serenity and with a heavy, but genuine and trusting heart, prayed, "Lord grant me the grace to accept all that You have ordained, including the suffering, including the not so great things." and somehow, though all those "what ifs" still exist, and they could still happen, i was a little less anxious. not because suddenly trusting in the Lord will change any outcomes and bestow upon my son and my family a life without suffering, a life without pain, and a life without sorrow. but because the lives of this Carlson family - each one, has been measured and ordained by the very God of this universe. it is peaceful to know and accept that we are not in control (despite our best efforts at times).