the nanny diaries

today, alexander met his nanny, we call her miss lulu. she came a week before i go back into the office so that we could sort of play a game of shadows. she shadowed me to see how i like things done, and what schedule we keep him on, and i shadowed her, like one of those nanny cams, but only super visible. to be honest, it was sort of lovely. i had the chance to run out to the bank, and only had to grab my wallet. when was the last time i did that? and i was able to put dinner together without but one nursing interruption. but at the end of the night, long after nanny lulu left, long after husband and i put alexander down for bed, it hit me, i hardly spent time with my baby today. and it ached a little. husband says, "well babe, you won't be spending time with alexander when you're in the office." husband had to go all logically cruel and rational on me. i just looked at him with my, "ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME CRY?!?!?!" look - yes, there is an actual look which i have perfected. 

so now, while husband sits at the kitchen counter, playing a game on his phone, i've been perusing pictures of alexander from the day he was born. apparently, husband is not trying to make me cry; turns out, I AM TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF CRY. but seriously, is it possible that my baby was ever this small? 

the twist is, i never thought i would like motherhood, much less love it. i honestly viewed it more as an inconvenience. and i never thought i would want to be a stay at home mom, but now i want to be one of those women that i use to pity. now, i would give anything to be that woman whose universe orbits around her baby. so tomorrow, i am going to snuggle him a little bit more, kiss on him a few extra kisses, and maybe hold him through one of his naps, babywise be damned. cause my days are numbered.