mother's day

for the longest time, i did not want to be a mother. i'm kind of rough around the edges and prone to criticism and judgment. (i'm an asian female after all). i was afraid i wouldn't be kind enough, nurturing enough, motherly enough to be a mother. that and i wanted an easy, hassle free, unlimited life. but then i suddenly wanted to be a mother. and the want turned into desperation because it wasn't happening - at least not fast enough. not in the timing that i wanted. so when i finally became pregnant, it was surreal. it was happiness beyond whatever human experience or understanding of happiness i had ever had. from the moment i found out i was pregnant with alexander david carlson, i knew, i am a mother.

but i still really hesitate to say or to think: "david and i made him." because i feel so intrinsically and deeply that alexander was gifted to us. God gave me this amazing baby for some temporary safe keeping. He made me a mother. and for these two things alone, i will praise His glorious name all the days of my life.

so as we celebrate mother's day (hey why not mother's day month?!), i like to redirect some of that celebration from me to Him (though i am always happy to celebrate me!) today, i am thankful. so very very thankful for my God who made me a mother.