33 weeks and reality

the other day i mentioned to david, mei mei is due in seven weeks. (mei mei means little sister in mandarin). husband's response: "yeah i'm not ready to think about it yet."

ok to be fair, neither am i. every time i think about going from one incredibly adorable, yet exhausting energetic baby to having two, and the whole newborn, nursing around the clock thing, i just panic. so i don't fault david. it's just that i rely on him to be the reasonable one. the calm one. so if david hints at trepidation or panic, then i am doomed. doomed. he is, in many ways, my rock, not prone to the shifting tides of violent emotions, unlike yours truly.

lately, growing ever larger, and ever more tired, i have found it exceedingly hard to keep up with alexander. thank goodness for our nanny and an incredibly supportive and fun husband who will entertain alexander so i can get more sleep. how do you moms do it without full time help?!

i have found myself, of late, tending towards being an impatient mommy. i'm just tired and it doesn't matter how early i go to sleep - because i am getting up every hour to pee. it seems the motto around the house lately is, "no alexander, mommy can't. STOP WHINING ALEXANDER." it hardly seems fair. he's only barely 14 months old. i want so much to be present for him. to be the momma he deserves, instead of the momma who is dreading his 630 am wake up call and equally dreading life with two littles. but i can't force myself to be patient because, hi. this is grace. i am so impatient. even more so when exhausted. (just ask the hubs.)

but this morning, as alexander lay next to me, at 6 am, thirty minutes before his usual wake up time, drinking his bottle, he leaned in, closed his eyes, and gave me his half smile. he inched his head closer to mine, and i thought, if only i could take a picture, except pulling out my phone would disturb the both of us from this intimate reverie. so i stared at him, and took a mental picture, hoping i will never forget this little boy who just loves his momma, however imperfect she is. and suddenly i felt so lucky to be his mother and a soon-to-be mother of two.

in other news, this is what 33 weeks looks like. it's getting harder and harder to put an outfit together for the days i am in the office.

over the weekend, husband and i had the opportunity to go on a quiet breakfast date, thanks to nai nai (grandma in mandarin). as we strolled to a nearby cafe in the early morning sun, husband asked me one of life's deep questions. it went like this: "babe, what would your super hero plume de nom be?"

after gently assuring him that it was nom de plume, i was actually stumped. i spend most of my time considering what my super hero power would be, not what my name would be. sensing my conundrum, husband made the suggestion that has officially knocked him out of contention for husband of the year award. this is a direct quote: "well given your current girth, perhaps you should consider 'Bone Crusher.'"

let me tell you, in that moment, there was only one person's bones i wanted to crush, and he was walking next to me about to pay for my pastry and coffee.