words

it seems silly, trite almost, that at the end of a life, all we have are words - apparently useless words - when what we want is to have that life back, to hold that life, to feel that life. 

i learned, via facebook, of the passing of a friend of a friend, a dear believer of the Lord, after battling an aggressive cancer for about a year. you can read her story here.

to be honest, i did not know her very much, only as an acquaintance at best. but as i read her own account of her illness and treatments, i uttered to my husband, "life's not fair. why would the Lord allow the wicked to prosper while one of His own suffers?" (aside: i think, this must be the question of all those out there whose faith have been shaken, or all those out there who cannot quite let themselves believe in a God who permits such things. such seeming injustices. such suffering. i still grapple with this one.)

i wept for her - for someone i barely know. i wept for her husband. i wept for her mother. for her sister. i wept because i long to have the kind of faith that she had - to love the Lord and hope in the Lord even in the midst of intense, unimaginable suffering. i wept because i do not have this faith. i wept because through her, i had a fresh longing and prayer to the Lord that my life would be lived to love Him.  and i wept simply because sometimes words are not enough. in the space between words, there were tears. tears of sorrow, tears of repentance, tears of longing. 

so tonight, while i nursed alexander, i sang him this dear believer's favorite hymn, offering it up to the Lord as a remembrance of her, and more as a prayer for myself and for my son. 

there are no words to adequately end this post so i will conclude by leaving you with the lyrics of her favorite hymn. 

Lord You love me so immensely;

I would love You more intensely.

Every day and every moment,

O Lord, capture me.

Let my goal and my life's theme be,

Lord, to love You more supremely;

With all my heart, Lord Jesus,

Keep me faithful unto Thee.

Draw me, Lord, each day.

Take my veils away.

With a pure heart will I see You;

Lord I just love You.

Nothing else I seek;

No one else for me.

I would fully and absolutely

Give my whole being unto Thee.