how the mighty have fallen...

...so in love! so in love with this little baby! oh yeah people, you read that right! there's a baby cooking in there and things around casa carlson are about to get CRAZY! (or CRAZIER to be truthful and accurate).

there was a time, not so long ago when i simply did not want a baby. i wanted to be free, without limits, without a poopy, whiny, needy, utterly dependent human being, who had me at his or her every beck and call. no thank you! give me freedom, glorious freedom! freedom to travel the world with my love. freedom to come and go as i please. freedom to sleep in. freedom to get in the car without thirty plus travel accessories for a baby. freedom to go shoe shopping. freedom to come home from work, ignore my starving husband, and sit on the couch watching reality tv. real housewives and kettlecorn for dinner. does life get any better than this? and so years before husband and i got married, i flat out told him, i do not want children. i do not want limitation. and i do not want to share you (with anyone cuter than me!)

but then it hit, like a monster truck. i needed a child. in fact, genesis 30:1 may have been quoted to the husband after months of "not preventing" - when rachel said to jacob: "give me child or else i die!" and the need just got more and more desperate as each month progressed with a mostly regular visit from an unwanted visitor. and then we shifted gears from "not preventing" to "trying." let me tell you, the only thing less sexy than telling your husband he's a duck-billed platypus mid make out session, is bounding into the bedroom from the bathroom, positive ovulation test in hand, announcing, "babe, i'm ovulating. get naked." oh the brutal, unromantic, unsexy truth about planned baby-making. but still month after month went by, negative pregnancy test after negative pregnancy test (good thing i ordered them in bulk online over a year ago!) and inner creeping accusations of infertility got louder and louder - or maybe that was me imagining momma chiang saying, "i told you to get pregnant earlier, have a baby earlier." and with each passing month, another friend would call or text with her own joyful news of pregnancy. so when, in july, a close friend told me she was pregnant with number two, when they weren't even trying, i completely lost it. it was my all time best elohi elohi moment.  that night, i lay in bed, and wept, as my husband could do nothing except put his arms around me and tell me - lie to me maybe? - that it was ok. and i summoned my remaining energy to whisper to my God, "Lord sometimes, i only want You for what You can give me. so please give me a baby."

but honestly, i had started to stop believing it was possible. i had started to stop believing in a baby  nathan adrien carlson. i had begun to resign myself to many many more months of a stressful sex life with continued negative pregnancy test results. in the process i learned, there are simply things outside of my control. all the best laid plans, all the scientific timing, and still i could not arrange my life into producing something i wanted. and although i could not quite let go of my desire for a baby, i realized, accepted a little bit, that i couldn't be in control of everything. i couldn't prevent every kind of trial and suffering. somethings just don't come so easily. sometimes, it is just hard. hard to go through and hard to accept.

and then five days later, i pulled my sad, pathetic, self-pitying body out of bed to face yet another day, when in the midst of brushing my teeth, i felt a sudden urge to vomit. and immediately genesis 30:22 came to me: "Then God remembered Rachel, and He listened to her and opened her womb."

i fumbled through my web supplied pregnancy tests and peed with a new sense of urgency and quite frankly, hall of fame worthy aiming skills, all the while trying to tell myself not to be disappointed. i had done this before, been here before. and when for five seconds there was no second line, oh the expected disappointment hit. alas another month. but then, that magical second line appeared and i couldn't believe it. i cried, this time, different tears. because finally, God remembered gracie.

if you look closely, you'll see, baby BOY carlson is due April 8, 2013!

my matthew 27:46 solution to all serious problems

back during my law school years, i went through some hard times. you might even say i was depressed, except i'm asian so we like to be in denial about any mental "weakness". rather, let's attribute my suffering to a lack of character, as in, i just was not mentally strong enough to will myself out of bed each day and face another harrowing day of life as i knew it.  but basically i was depressed.  nothing was working out as i had imagined it would.  i felt alone, like i had been  abandoned in a deep well and all i could do was look up at the small dot of light so very far away.  things got so bad that big brother bankrolled a trip to barabados so i could get away and get some sun and feel alive.  so you know it was bad if big brother republican was willing to put me on his dole for the entire week!  and it worked for the week i was in barbados. but eventually i had to come back to real life.

i don't like talking about this time in my life because i feel like my super past self, as in the elementary school, high school, and college versions of me, as well as the today version of me look at the law school version of me and wonder who that person was. how did i become so drained, so exhausted of living that i actually despaired of living?

it was during this most despondent of times, or as the ever wise anne shirley would say, at the time when i was "in the depths of despair," that i really hated and yet loved the LJ. the thing is, i am a child of the Lord. i have no doubts about that, but i have had serious questions about what the LJ has ordained for me, and during this time, and still every now and then, i question the LJ's heart towards me. is it really good? because sometimes it genuinely and intensely felt like He had abandoned me in that well. i felt forsaken, left in the deep pit to survive by subsisting on grubs or simply give up and die. i think we all know me well enough to know that i went with option #2.

one night, during a particularly intense moment of grief, bewilderment, and sense of abandonment, when my increasingly fragile soul could bear no more, i laid in bed weeping. in retrospect, it really was kind of pathetic. luckily it was just me in all my glorious loneliness, emotionally naked before the Lord. as i was asking the LJ, why this, why that, before i even knew it, i found myself laid out in crucifix position, and a cry ripped out from deep within my crumbling soul: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani." because let's be honest, who hasn't felt completely forsaken at one time or another, or possibly constantly? because i have. and to this day, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani" in crucifix position is my tried and true way of conveying the depth of my trauma to the Lord. afterall, who can understand this sentiment more than He?

years later, it occurred to me that the LJ didn't abandon me to go through my suffering, my situations, my thoughts, my feelings alone. He was there with me, suffering with me, bearing the oppressive tides of confusion, fear, and sadness with me - each step of the way.  but still, when i am feeling especially needy, alone, forsaken, scared even, i turn to matthew 27:46, to sound the alarm for the LJ - "take your positions. it's gonna be a doozy. please don't forsake me."

the thing about elephants

having a semi-autistic spectrum like memory has its benefits. i can quote movies line for line. i can remember facts from the 5th grade. i am the one phone call you would make when you're on "who wants to be a millionaire." chances are if i've seen it, read it, or heard it in passing, i will remember. just one of my special quirks i guess.

the downside, of course is, i also happen to remember EVERY SINGLE TIME husband has wronged me.  it's actually impossible for me to forget and so what we have now is a snow ball effect. one small hurt remembered forever. the next hurt added onto that, and then the next and then the next, and before you know it, i'm up late at night stewing about bad patterns of behavior and how it could be i ended up with such an insensitive brute. by this time, my stomach hurts, and it's two a.m. and i can't sleep, meanwhile husband is blissfully snoring next to me. which only makes matters worse! how did i end up here - about ready to reach over for something sharp and stab my husband in the arm? (hey, at least i didn't say eye or heart)

for once an old addage is NOT applicable. remember this one?: "to err is human, to forgive is divine." well actually the first half is most certainly true. we all err, and if i'm being honest, i've erred against my husband plenty of times. but forgiveness is mostly human too. it doesn't take too much effort for us mere mortals to forgive, especially to forgive someone we love dearly. maybe it takes some of us longer to forgive, but eventually we i get there. what is truly divine is forgiving and forgetting.

it's this forgetting thing i struggle with. each time there's a new hurt, memories of all the old hurts return and suddenly they are so fresh. this morning, i waged a fierce internal battle with the LJ (Lord Jesus). it went like this:

Grace: LJ, i'm just upset and hurt and i can't let go. he ALWAYS does this.
LJ: I'm here. I'm listening.
Grace: are you?! are you really listening? because i am considering a host of repercussions {conveniently ommitted from this blog so you, my dear readers, are shielded from the depths of my evil nature}
LJ: Grace, you have a choice. move on, forgive and forget.
Grace: but LJ, i can't forget. i can't. i thought You said You were listening? didn't You hear me say, I CAN'T LET GO??
LJ: grace, you need to calm down. I'm here, I'm listening. you are working yourself up into a tizzy. I can feel your stomach burning.
Grace: but i can't. i'm just too hurt.
LJ: grace, remember, I have forgiven and forgotten all your sins. how would you feel if I remembered each time you failed, each time you made a mistake, each time you hurt Me?
Grace: really LJ? You went there? i mean, what can i say to that? clearly You have a valid point. but i can't. help me get there. i'm not like You.
LJ: yes you are. you have My life in you. My life is able to forgive and forget.
Grace: ok, let's say we do this forgive, forget thing. then what happens? he'll just do it again. trust me Lord, i know him. then we'll be having this conversation AGAIN.
LJ: I know him too. and I know you. I have forgiven and forgotten for you both. and I'm ok if and when we have this conversation again.
Grace: fine LJ, You win - sort of. i won't poison his dinner tonight, but You have to keep working in me to achieve this forgive and forget thing.

i'm still not there yet. but there's some thawing of the ice that formed around my heart.

the upside of restlessness at two a.m., i finally started watching downton abbey. honestly, i couldn't even get through episode one of the first season. i couldn't follow the conversation. it would be easier if they lost the british accent. (and this is coming from me. i have a thing for british accents! if husband had one, i'm sure it would help with the forgive and forget thing). thoughts? should i power through and keep watching??