not sorry

i want to say that i have been too pregnant to blog lately. which is partially true. that and it's been well near 100 degrees the past few days, which to me, has felt like 110 degrees (at least!) thank goodness for a well air conditioned whole foods 2.5 blocks from our house. it's been an evening ritual for me and the scrunch to cruise through there, devouring all the smoked gouda cheese samples (apparently alexander has quite the cheese palette), and soaking up all that strong, FREE air conditioning. and don't you know, it's hard to be inspired when it is so hot and humid out. but it looks like we're getting a break in the weather. just two days ago, it was 99 degrees (pre-heat index), and today, it's a balmy 83, with a high of 71 forecasted for our saturday! so things are looking up for us already.

to make things even better, my rockstar hubs sent me this inspiring video, which was entirely unexpected, but so appreciated. it was just the push i needed to get back to blogging. makes me wish i would have kissed him a little more passionately as he walked out the door to work this morning, but  you know, there's always tonight ;)

the take away is that basically, i never have to say sorry ever again in our marriage. and isn't that wonderful news for a friday, leading into a beautiful weekend?!

happy friday friends. and to all the ladies out there, let's be #notsorry because we're so freaking awesome (wish my hair looked so nice all the time). 

be kind (period).

yesterday, the husband and i celebrated our five year anniversary. five years. at times it has seemed like a long brutal fifty years. actually, more times than we would probably like to admit. this marriage thing is hard.

when david and i first started, i don't think i thought about marriage as a long road ahead, with twists and turns that we couldn't predict. all i could think of was happily ever after (thanks disney and unrealistic expectations). the truth is, to have a happy marriage takes a lot of work, and quite frankly, i'm not always up for putting in the requisite amount of labor.

there have been times, where the fork in the road has led us to disastrous ends, full of disappointment, anger, and bitterness. there have been other roads that we have taken that have led us to much happiness and pleasure - simple pleasures in each other's company, and knowing this person gets me. it's a pretty intense and intimate bond. for someone to know you, i mean truly know you, warts and the warts within the warts, and the nasty puss within the warts, and still love you - love you in the sense of, "i'm sticking around. i'm committed, in spite of the worst of you," is an amazing thing - something far above hollywood romance. and it is often overlooked in favor of the butterflies, the immediate sense of romance. don't get me wrong, romance and butterflies are necessary, but at the end of the day, it's this commitment and this commitment alone that has gotten us to five years, and hopefully another five.

a close friend recently shared some insight with me regarding marriage that i have found profound and shockingly simple. she said, "be kind to one another. don't let the familiarity in your marriage rob you of being kind." i took this to heart. i am taking this to heart. and i have come to realize that it is decidedly unkind to be kind to david and then begrudge him when he does not reciprocate that same level of kindness to me. be kind. be kind. be kind. this has become my mantra. in the mornings when i make breakfast for everyone, i focus on how appreciative david is of the kind gesture rather than resenting how this has become my "chore" and how come no one ever makes mommy breakfast? it's made me markedly happier to focus on how my kindness makes my family happy. how my kindness makes my husband happy, and how that makes me happy, and how for that moment, we have a happy marriage. 

so here's to small moments of kindness - a little lesson i have learned at the tail end of my fifth year of marriage. the road ahead is looking more hopeful than it was, even just two months ago. 

to david, i love you, you big hoobie!

the thing about elephants

having a semi-autistic spectrum like memory has its benefits. i can quote movies line for line. i can remember facts from the 5th grade. i am the one phone call you would make when you're on "who wants to be a millionaire." chances are if i've seen it, read it, or heard it in passing, i will remember. just one of my special quirks i guess.

the downside, of course is, i also happen to remember EVERY SINGLE TIME husband has wronged me.  it's actually impossible for me to forget and so what we have now is a snow ball effect. one small hurt remembered forever. the next hurt added onto that, and then the next and then the next, and before you know it, i'm up late at night stewing about bad patterns of behavior and how it could be i ended up with such an insensitive brute. by this time, my stomach hurts, and it's two a.m. and i can't sleep, meanwhile husband is blissfully snoring next to me. which only makes matters worse! how did i end up here - about ready to reach over for something sharp and stab my husband in the arm? (hey, at least i didn't say eye or heart)

for once an old addage is NOT applicable. remember this one?: "to err is human, to forgive is divine." well actually the first half is most certainly true. we all err, and if i'm being honest, i've erred against my husband plenty of times. but forgiveness is mostly human too. it doesn't take too much effort for us mere mortals to forgive, especially to forgive someone we love dearly. maybe it takes some of us longer to forgive, but eventually we i get there. what is truly divine is forgiving and forgetting.

it's this forgetting thing i struggle with. each time there's a new hurt, memories of all the old hurts return and suddenly they are so fresh. this morning, i waged a fierce internal battle with the LJ (Lord Jesus). it went like this:

Grace: LJ, i'm just upset and hurt and i can't let go. he ALWAYS does this.
LJ: I'm here. I'm listening.
Grace: are you?! are you really listening? because i am considering a host of repercussions {conveniently ommitted from this blog so you, my dear readers, are shielded from the depths of my evil nature}
LJ: Grace, you have a choice. move on, forgive and forget.
Grace: but LJ, i can't forget. i can't. i thought You said You were listening? didn't You hear me say, I CAN'T LET GO??
LJ: grace, you need to calm down. I'm here, I'm listening. you are working yourself up into a tizzy. I can feel your stomach burning.
Grace: but i can't. i'm just too hurt.
LJ: grace, remember, I have forgiven and forgotten all your sins. how would you feel if I remembered each time you failed, each time you made a mistake, each time you hurt Me?
Grace: really LJ? You went there? i mean, what can i say to that? clearly You have a valid point. but i can't. help me get there. i'm not like You.
LJ: yes you are. you have My life in you. My life is able to forgive and forget.
Grace: ok, let's say we do this forgive, forget thing. then what happens? he'll just do it again. trust me Lord, i know him. then we'll be having this conversation AGAIN.
LJ: I know him too. and I know you. I have forgiven and forgotten for you both. and I'm ok if and when we have this conversation again.
Grace: fine LJ, You win - sort of. i won't poison his dinner tonight, but You have to keep working in me to achieve this forgive and forget thing.

i'm still not there yet. but there's some thawing of the ice that formed around my heart.

the upside of restlessness at two a.m., i finally started watching downton abbey. honestly, i couldn't even get through episode one of the first season. i couldn't follow the conversation. it would be easier if they lost the british accent. (and this is coming from me. i have a thing for british accents! if husband had one, i'm sure it would help with the forgive and forget thing). thoughts? should i power through and keep watching??