mother's day

for the longest time, i did not want to be a mother. i'm kind of rough around the edges and prone to criticism and judgment. (i'm an asian female after all). i was afraid i wouldn't be kind enough, nurturing enough, motherly enough to be a mother. that and i wanted an easy, hassle free, unlimited life. but then i suddenly wanted to be a mother. and the want turned into desperation because it wasn't happening - at least not fast enough. not in the timing that i wanted. so when i finally became pregnant, it was surreal. it was happiness beyond whatever human experience or understanding of happiness i had ever had. from the moment i found out i was pregnant with alexander david carlson, i knew, i am a mother.

but i still really hesitate to say or to think: "david and i made him." because i feel so intrinsically and deeply that alexander was gifted to us. God gave me this amazing baby for some temporary safe keeping. He made me a mother. and for these two things alone, i will praise His glorious name all the days of my life.

so as we celebrate mother's day (hey why not mother's day month?!), i like to redirect some of that celebration from me to Him (though i am always happy to celebrate me!) today, i am thankful. so very very thankful for my God who made me a mother.

HBD DGC

the hubby turned forty - according to him - it was not worth celebrating. he specifically requested that there be no party. and it was one of those requests that was not tainted with, "this is what i am saying, but actually do the opposite." so the party idea was nixed. however, two months back, i did plan a birthday trip for him out to california where all his immediate family resides. it was super special because it was the first time that david's parents got to meet the scrunch in person. the birthday trip was wonderful. so wonderful that we talked about looking for jobs in california and moving. you just cannot beat the weather, the cheap and authentically delicious mexican food, chinese food, all kinds of food, the clearly designated left turn lanes, the wide freeway lanes where you're not the fastest driver when you are cruising at a laid back 85 m.p.h.

of course we experienced the exhaustion that comes with traveling to a different time zone with a baby. it didn't seem to bother alexander in the least. he loves flying and torturing us at three a.m. local time, cause hey, it's always an appropriate time to have a baby rager. oh to be a baby. so when we took the red eye flight back from long beach on tuesday night, arriving on wednesday, husband's actual birthday, we were bone tired. i mean actually our bones were literally tired. we were able to nap for about three hours before we both had to get up, and live on east coast time, and do the whole work for pay thing. by the time dinner rolled around, i just was not feeling human enough to do anything particularly special except possibly make a reservation for dinner somewhere. but husband, still processing the weight of turning forty, declined a dinner out and requested a simple homemade meal, as long as i was up for cooking something. no problem. i pulled out some trader joe's frozen chicken tenders and threw them in the oven while i whipped up an unexciting salad. it really was a major wife fail moment, particularly because david hates chicken. but what can you do on almost no sleep? but husband was really appreciative especially because i made a spicy honey mustard dip to cover up that chicken he hates so much.

but the next night, after recovering (mostly) and thanks to alexander who is still on california time, and slept in until 7:55 a.m. (you read that right, i said slept in!!!), i was able to plan a more husband-centric meal in celebration of turning 40, with just a few very close friends on hand. i wanted to honor david's request not to make a big deal out of turning 40, he seems really subdued by it. so instead, no candles, rather muted singing of happy birthday (whispers really because i couldn't stop our friends), and a delicious cheese, wine, and charcuterie pairing to toast the birthday boy.

and now i present onto you, the carlson cheese plate with accoutrements. note: no pictures of baked chicken tenders birthday dinner.

i realize it has been quite a while since i have blogged. i was kind of going through one of my bi-annual mid-mid life crises where i was just itchy for change all over. i couldn't figure out what my blogger persona and image should be. but i worked with, and am still working with my friends - awesome husband wife team - to nail down the final touches. in the meantime, david has encouraged me to start blogging again and to do it consistently because really that's when everyone is happiest. so friends, here is my welcome back to the blogging world. pictures from our california trip to come in future posts.

as always, thanks for reading and patiently awaiting my return. i hope to revisit with you all soonest.

checking in

we've been a little absent lately. i've been having an internal discussion and external one with the hubs about whether or not to keep blogging. you see, a few weeks back, we received a rather mean spirited email from someone we don't know and honestly it took the blogging wind out of me and i had to really consider, do i want to keep exposing my family to this kind of, not just nonsense, but downright nasty and malicious targeting? it would be easy to say, and yet impossible to do, "simply continue blogging but not about my family." this blog would become about nothing. literally nothing. a seinfeld version of my life, except extremely less comical. my family is my life. and they are my joy. they are the big things and the little mundane things, which, when woven together, piece by piece, make my life whole. so i have decided not to let the negative bring me down and take my joy away. happy wednesday morning. it's hump day and isn't that reason enough to celebrate?

oh yeah and this:

yup he's our squinty eyed bunny and the hubs and i love him. 

another day, another milestone

this weekend was one of those perfect weekends in a way that only a cold, frigid january weekend could be. it was filled with doing a whole lot of nothing except being with good friends, snuggled under blankets, watching the nfl playoffs.

we managed to squeeze in a hair cut for my scrunch who was starting to look like a hippy, and now he is quite dapper. but oh, it hurt a little to watch my baby get his first haircut. 

*before and after*

*sad mommy whose baby is becoming a little less baby*

we also squeezed in some family outdoors time. the husband threw a big snowball at the back of his pregnant wife. he was then shamed into doing penance by putting his face in the snow. it almost made the snowball worth it 

*3-2-1*

*let that  be a lesson to you: never harm, in the slightest, thine pregnant wife!*

hello 2014!

i am a little sad to say bye to 2013. 2013 has been kind to the carlsons. more than kind. 2013 has been an explosion of happiness in a way that we could have never even known to wish for. actually, to be honest, i am a little afraid to leave 2013 because it has been so great. the arrival of alexander brought husband and i joy that has been indescribable. sure, there have been a few marital spats here and there (no really, more than a few, we're not perfect here), and yes, we are still in the midst of dealing with the fallout from a crook of a contractor (that makes my jaws clench just thinking about it), but, motherhood, and alexander, and seeing the husband embrace fatherhood has satisfied me in a way that leaves me so full and yet craving more at the same time. in 2013, i have felt sated with life, so sated that i would feel guilty wanting any more out of life. now if only i could find the "pause time" button...

yet here we are, day one of 2014, and the champagne glasses* are sitting in the sink waiting to be washed after the ceremonial clink (at 12:01 a.m. because we were too busy looking at old pictures and videos of alexander to notice that midnight had struck). they remind me to toast to the things to come - to look forward with hope, and with an openness to receive all the good (along with the not so good) things that await us this year. upward and onward as the saying goes. and in this 2014 adventure onward, i sense exponential happiness on the horizon even as we leap from the great known happiness of 2013 to the yet to be defined 2014. BUT 2014, the carlsons are ready for you...mostly. so happy new year from our family to yours! may 2014 be the best year yet!

*champagne glasses filled with sparkling grape juice because...baby carlson #2 due july 2014. hear, hear to exponential happiness!*

you're gonna hear me roarrrrrrrrrrrrr....

it's been a while. i've been struggling with this blogging thing. firstly because i think i have watched one too many episodes of law & order special victims unit for my own good. too many creepsters out there and here i am blasting the whole internet with pictures of him in all his adorable goodness. secondly, it is just hard to be consistent. but december is upon us, and mr. alexander just turned eight months on friday. and as usual, we let it pass without any fanfare. if it's possible for a first child to have second child syndrome, alexander will definitely have it. i can just see him telling his friends later in life, "yeah i tried to find photos of myself from a baby, but there aren't that many. maybe i'm adopted??"

but anyways, here we are, on this cold, gray, post snow, post ice monday morning. and i think by now you all know how we feel about mondays generally. but i have mustered up some energy to present unto you all my little scrunch: snotty, sick, with a clump of spit up in his hair, and fighting an ear infection. yet despite it all he is ready to attack this monday. RRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR!

 

*photo courtesy of the talented aichuan kwong*

rockin' the vote

when i was growing up, i distinctly remember one day when my grandmother and i stayed home while my mother, father, and older brother packed up a big file of papers and headed out the door. i was indignant that i was being left behind. but i later learned that i didn't have to go because i was born in the united states and was therefore a u.s. citizen. and the salient point being, i am the only one in my family that could be president. CARLSON 2016! no actually that is not the emphatic point. i remember that as soon as my father became a u.s. citizen, every year, no matter how big or small the election, president, governor, mayor, local county member, my father would come home from work, wait for my mom, and then take us all to the polls, despite my mother's protests of being too tired. my father would say, "no. we have to vote. this is our right now that we are citizens. we are going to vote." so from a young age, i have always heard, every year, that it is important, as a citizen to exercise the right to vote. so when i turned 18, i registered to vote, and from that point on, i have voted every year, by absentee ballot when necessary.

i find this lesson important for two reasons. firstly, asians, especially of my parents generation, are not politically active. you'll notice that during election years, the asian vote is rarely courted despite making up huge "voter blocks" in places like nyc, california, and houston, because asians simply don't get out and rock the vote. secondly, i think voting is important, especially in this day and age when we can become very cynical (for good reasons!) about politics and politicians. i'll be the first to admit: politics is dirty and politicians are generally slimy, and there is NO perfect candidate out there (except for CARLSON 2016!!!), but still there are important issues out there. i know it is easy to think that your vote doesn't count, but our government makes policies that affect our daily life. i have student loans. i have concerns about the public school system. i have concerns about how much traffic is in northern virginia and what my new governor will do to alleviate this problem without increasing VA's expenditure. etc etc etc. the list goes on. so this morning, i reiterated to the husband, one of the aforementioned cynical people who doesn't believe his vote counts, just how important it was to me to pass on the importance of voting to my little bunny. and even though our fire alarm went off twice! last night (and yes, we were pantsless both times) and we were exhausted, and running late for work, and it was on the nippy side out, we bundled up ADC, and trudged down to our polling center, and began what i hope will be many years of voting together.

*all bundled up and waiting in line to vote and all smiles after voting. we wrote papa's name in for VA Attorney General!*